Grrr. August 31, 2006

Sometimes my boss really pisses me off. She took me to task a few minutes ago, telling me that since I “hadn’t had the courtesy” to tell the owners that we weren’t going to take the farmhouse (WTF? I told them last week!!! Posted about it here, even!), she told them today. After I told her that it wasn’t any of her business, I told her that I’d told them last week. She said, “Well, they didn’t seem to know that.” *rolls eyes* I asked her, then, since she’d told them I was renting a place instead, did she also inform them of when we planned to be out of here? Of course she didn’t, since she doesn’t know everything she thinks she does.

First off, I didn’t think there was any need to tell the owners that we were looking for a place to move to. They already knew that, with the whole farmhouse/business being sold things. Second, as I’ve already stated, everything happened a lot faster than we expected, finding the house we are going to rent. Third, I fully planned on talking to the owners myself, NEXT WEEK, after everything was official. I really think it is MY place, not hers or anyone elses, to tell them what our plans are or aren’t. And since the owners chose not to recall that I’d told them we weren’t taking the farmhouse no matter what, gee golly, now I look bad. Thanks a lot, boss.

Instant Headache August 31, 2006

I always thought that a person grew OUT of allergies, but I seem to have developed more as time has passed. When I was young, I didn’t have much in the way of allergies, only your standard dust and mold. As I got a little older, we found I had a few food allergies – one of the major ones being aspartame. Always used to be able to wear perfume, and scents never bothered me. Nowadays, I can’t even go down the candle aisle at the store without my nose starting to itch and my head bothering me.

Princess sprayed a huge cloud of dollar store air freshener downstairs. I walked down the hall, and got an instant headache from it. There are some soaps and lotions that do the same thing. I feel bad, because I know she thinks I’m just being mean when I tell her she shouldn’t/can’t use something, or that she needs to wash off the lotion she just used.

Speaking of Princess, she’s annoyed with me today for other reasons. I *gasp* actually expect her to help with the moving process. Specifically, I asked her to pick up a couple of certain things in her room (barbies and dollhouse stuff). She says there is too much of it. Okay, fine. That’s the case, then there is too much to take to the new house, right? It can just go to the Sal or the dumpster! She of course doesn’t like that attitude from me, either, but too bad. The adults in this house have so much work to do to get us moved, it isn’t going to hurt the kids to help a little, in small ways that are fully within their ability. Now little Peanut is taking the same attitude. I asked her to pick up her legos. “But there’s too much of it!” Fine. Same thing I told Princess. If there is too much of it for you to pick up, there is too much of it to go to the new house! Whhaaaaaaah!

Anyway, I’m actually in a pretty good mood today, headache aside. It has been a really busy morning. I started working at 8:30, and didn’t stop for a break until 11:30. We’re short-staffed again, which keeps boss and me more busy. She picks up the extra caregiving, I pick up her work she can’t get done when she’s on the floor.

And speaking of work… I’m debating about looking into substitute teaching. I don’t know if it is a good idea or not, but I might look into it. I don’t have a teaching certificate, but it looks like a lot of districts are pretty desperate for subs, so are asking for people with at least 90 college credit hours. I’ve got that number beat by a long shot, bay-bee, so who knows. Just a thought, anyway.

Oh, my goodness! August 29, 2006

Well, I do believe we’re going to be moving – even sooner than when we thought we would. Everything is happening fast.

Sunday, we answered an ad in the paper for a house to rent, one of those that doesn’t give a number, just has an open house to go to. When we first drove by, we weren’t sure if we wanted to stop, because from the outside, it looked like it might be a little rundown. Still, since we were there, we figured we might as well go take a look. It was a lot nicer inside, and has a beautiful yard. It’s on a double lot, in a nice, quiet neighborhood. Completely fenced in back yard, two car garage attached to the house with a little breezeway. It is technically three bedrooms, but one of them is pretty small, so the girls will share a room, and the front bedroom will become the sewing/craft room (though it will also be the area I set up for the girls to play dress up in). It also has a full basement. Not finished, but lots of usable space, which makes a huge difference, as the house itself is a bit smaller, sq. footage wise, than our apartment is. It even has a gas fireplace in the livingroom.

We put our application in before we left, but didn’t think we’d get it, partly because we liked the place. There were other people there before we were, and we have no idea if anyone showed up after we left. The lady told us to call her Tuesday night, and she’d know one way or the other then. Yesterday morning, just after 10am, I answered the work line, and it was her calling to verify my employment. We had a laugh about that, then she asked to talk to my boss. A minute later, boss was on the phone, telling me the lady wanted to talk to me again. I picked up the line, and she asked me if we wanted to take possesion this weekend! *EEK!* So completely unexpected! And much faster than we thought anything would happen, as we’ve been looking seriously for a month and not having much luck. We’ve got an appointment with her this Friday to sign the lease. We’re busy the next two weekends, but will take time through the week to start moving things in, and will be completely out of here by the end of September!

I am excited and nervous, and boy oh boy do I have my work cut out for me! I know renting a place isn’t as big a deal as buying a place is, but for us it is a pretty big thing. We’ve been living here for 9 years now, and this is going to give us the opportunity to get out of the city a bit, and to have a place to be outside, which we don’t have here. And if we like living there, we won’t have to rush to get out of it, as long as we are good tenants. Like my dad said – the American dream is to own a house, but not everyone can afford that, and there are worse things than renting a nice place for years!

Sad August 24, 2006

It’s official. We’d already decided not to pursue the farmhouse, after lots of discussion and looking over budget issues, and thinking, and talking some more, but I finally called the owner and told her today. *sigh* My boss was of the impression (as was the maint. man, who currently lives there) that they would be willing to work with us on it. I knew they wouldn’t. It’s a business transaction for them, nothing more.

A discovery August 21, 2006

My eyes look incredibly blue when my face is sunburned!

We enjoyed the ballgame yesterday, even though our team lost (blew a 6 run lead, grr!). It was Princess’s first game, and for the most part, she seemed to enjoy herself. She got too warm, and a little bored halfway through, but got back into it toward the end. After we got home, I cooked hot dogs ball park style – steamed – for dinner, and we watched a double feature, Jumanji, followed by Zathura. Princess hadn’t ever seen Jumanji, and none of us had seen Zathura, which was a very enjoyable movie – I think I liked it better than Jumanji (Zathura is from the “world” of Jumanji – same concept, but a space adventure rather than a jungle adventure).

On the work front, the owners haven’t told us anything directly yet, but the secretary over at the main office told my boss that she was told this week’s payroll would be the last for our building. So, I guess that means everything is said and done over there, and we just have to wait for the axe to fall over here.

Realizations August 13, 2006

When I couldn’t sleep last night, and was up doing housework in the wee hours of the morning, I came to some conclusions, most just more deeply exploring what I wrote in that last post. Chief among them was this:

I wasn’t shown the shadow of an opportunity to have what I’d always dreamed of because it was something that was going to come to fruition. Rather, I was shown the opportunity to have what I’d always dreamed of in order to make it very plain to me what I was never going to have, what I’m going to miss out on because I have been so irresponsible all of my adult life.

In other words, it was an object lesson.

So, someday, when I have to settle for so much less that what I wanted (which wasn’t the moon, really), I will look back, remember, and know that I have no one to blame but myself.

And besides, I’m no better than anyone else. What makes me think I deserve to have anything like that, when so many others, who have worked harder, can’t achieve their dreams either?

Death of a dream August 13, 2006

I’ll be fine once the resignation sets in. I promise I’ll try not to cry too much more.

I didn’t deserve it anyway. I’ve wasted money, frittered it away on this and that. Haven’t saved when I should have, haven’t paid what I should have. I knew I didn’t deserve it, for those reasons, and more.

But, God, it hurts. I wish I’d never seen the place, how perfect it is for us. We’ll never find that again, not anywhere. We’ll never change, and we’ll never deserve it, anyway. Need to just get myself used to the fact that we’re going to have to rent some tiny, dumpy apartment for years on end, still scraping by, just paying rent instead of a house payment. Hubby can talk big about saving money and buying a house in a couple of years, but it isn’t going to happen. Even if it does, by then, what’s the point? The kids will be too old to want to play outside. And we’d end up with some little house, on a tiny little lot somewhere, barely enough room for a garden anyway.

my father-in-law all over again? August 8, 2006

The situation feels all too familiar.

My grandfather is in the hospital again. He’s been in and out of the hospital in the last couple of months. His heart stopped at one point several months ago. They brought him back, put in a pacemaker.

He had another heart attack on Saturday, at home. They didn’t know it, just that he was lethargic, and couldn’t get out of his chair. He went to the ER early this morning, into critical care. As of 30 minutes ago, they have him stabilized, and will be moving him into ICU. They’re making my grandma go home, and will not allow her or anyone else to visit him right now. He has congestive heart failure, and is full of fluid again. Once they get him drained out good, he may end up being fine, and going home. We went through the same thing with my fil. He was in and out of the hospital due to his CHF. He’d be at death’s door, then come back, and be in relatively fine shape for a while, then it would happen all over again, only with shorter and shorter good periods in between the bad.

On a completely different note, my boss has gone over to the main office to take the month-end paperwork. While she’s there, she is going to try to set up an appointment with the owner for Thursday, for me to go talk about the house. Please keep a good thought that everything works out! *bites already too-short nails*

Another (nearly) sleepless night August 7, 2006

We had to camp on the living room floor again last night. Still haven’t moved back into the bedroom. I think we will be able to tonight – I went in the bedroom this morning, and it is finally down below 80 degrees in there.

That’s not really why I didn’t get much sleep, though. I just couldn’t ever get my brain to shut off. I tried, and tried, but nothing worked. I almost went online at about 2:30 this morning, thinking maybe I could post something, then I’d be able to sleep, but I decided that if I turned the computer on, I *really* wouldn’t get any sleep.

Against my own best judgement, my brain keeps cycling, thinking, planning around the house. From planning how to deal with what needs to be done – what order, and all that – to where to put various pieces of furniture. *sigh* Then, it starts going on the fact that we haven’t worked any of the specifics out yet, and that there is the possibility (SLIM, I hope!) that we won’t be able to do it. I have to be honest. Even knowing what work there is that needs to be done on the place… I’m gonna be heartbroken if we can’t move there. I won’t say that I’m in love with the house as is, but I can say that I’m definitely in love with what the place can be, if that makes any sense at all.

I’m hoping we can get things hammered out in the next couple of days, so we can know something more definite by the end of the week. We drove by it last night on the way home from mil’s, so Princess could see the outside of it, and where the school is. We told her that as soon as we know for sure we’ll be moving in, we’ll take her to see the inside. I don’t know which days of the week the owner is in at the office down here – I was hoping I’d be able to talk to her today, but I think that she’s only here Tuesdays and Thursdays right now.

Hubby got called to US District Court jury duty, starting today. Bad timing, though I doubt it is ever good timing. And of course, his employers don’t pick up the difference between the daily allotment and his regular earnings. Ah, well. Civic duty and all that.

Anyway, I have a busy day ahead of me. I wish I’d gotten some more sleep, because I know I’m going to need it. It’s payroll day, so you know what that means. I also have to do all of the end of month stuff for July, because I don’t have that done yet.